This One's For The Girls

“All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy while I just hurt and hide, waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide.” Sara Bareilles , King of Anything


This post is specifically for the girls, but honestly the boys could get a lot of benefit from reading it. Over the years, I feel I have learned truths about women in particular that may not be the message you have always heard. If these “myths” that I am about to bust don’t sound familiar to you, count your blessings because the church you are in is teaching truth, and ultimately respects women. My experience, unfortunately, has not always been as blessed. My ultimate goal in this post is not turn to you into raging feminists (although contrary to what you may have been told, those girls actually do have a few good points up their sleeves), but instead to show you that the freedom Christ gained for us on the cross goes to you as well. YOU. ARE. FREE. If you read nothing else, I hope those words pour over you and invade the bondage you could be experiencing.

The Modesty Myth

“If a guy whistles at you on the street, what have you done to provoke that whistle? Have you defrauded that man?” That is an actual sermon preached by IFB Baptist pastor Don Williams. I will admit that I can’t even type the words without feeling angry. This is an unacceptable teaching about modesty, but I am afraid that it is still being taught. “You must dress modestly because you wouldn’t want a man to sin because of you.” May I just say: baloney?

Firstly, since when is one person the cause of another person’s sin? The same people who will teach free will will hold a woman accountable when a man lusts? I believe every person is responsible for taking their own thoughts captive, women included. It is not my responsibility to bear the guilt of anyone's sin-including my own. That was taken care of by Chrst on the cross. Secondly, more often than not, the modesty doctrine judges the body not the clothes. If you don’t have boobs and hips, you can wear what you please, but if you do, please kindly wear a muumuu. Thirdly, the statement that women would cause a man to sin implies a much deeper misogyny, basically saying that we are objects that should be there for the taking. (I dare you to look up the word “defraud” in the dictionary and put it in the context of the sermon I used above.)

If you are in a church that teaches a modesty doctrine like this, question it. If you are in a church that doesn’t encourage questions….RUN. If this is the first time you have heard of a modesty doctrine like this, stay put. You’re good.

I feel the need to make a disclaimer:
*I am not encouraging anyone to dress immodestly. I am simply questioning some teachings and techniques used to enforce it. Shaming people into modesty and making women bear the punishment for all sexual sin is unbiblical. Modesty is an area the Lord should convict you personally about. Any doctrine that brings guilt or shame is not of God.

The Relationship Myth

There are so many myths that girls ascribe their identity to today-being skinny, being popular, having the right clothes-but the one I would like to talk about is having a boyfriend. It is a myth that you need to be in a relationship to be happy or complete. In fact, depending on your age, I think it is much better for you to wait to pursue relationships with guys.

This is what happens in our modern culture when very young girl meets very young guy:

Girl needs a boyfriend because all her friends have boyfriends. Girl finds a guy to “go out” with her. Girl gets to know guy. Girl conforms to what guy wants her to be because 1. she doesn’t know herself well enough to know who she really is and 2. she doesn’t want to lose her new found relationship because now she’s kinda cool. Guy does not actually turn out to be that guy Ryan Gosling played in The Notebook and wants to play video games instead. Guy finds girl a little annoying. Guy breaks up with girl. Girl is devastated and calls guy a jerk (and may write angry songs about him, depending on which girl we are talking about).

All the pain could be saved if you would just wait, figure out who you are and what you like and dislike. Then once you already have your own identity grounded, you find a guy who shares your interests. I’m not saying that this is a recipe for a happily ever after, but its much easier than the typical scenario.

If you look on YouTube you will find a more than necessary amount of videos made by teenage guys instructing teenage girls in things "guys like about girls" and "things that annoy guys about girls". Stay clear of those, girls. This is why it is so important to know yourself before being in a serious relationship. You won’t need an instructional video telling you how to get a guy or keep a guy BECAUSE IT WON’T MATTER. Frankly, who cares what annoys guys about girls? Since when does the guy get to decide what you should be? Be yourself. If yourself is annoying, then by all means, be annoying. (Not near me, but sure, be annoying). Basically what these guys are saying is “here’s a guideline for how to keep us happy so you won’t have to suffer through being relationship-less.” The guy you want is the mature one who accepts you for who are and doesn’t make demands.

Please know that your identity is found in Christ and His work on the cross. Only when you are fully satisfied in him, can you be fully satisfied in any relationship. Building your life around another human being is dangerous business. There will never be a hurt like the hurt a guy can cause a girl. (And probably vice-versa. I’m not a guy so I don’t know…)

The Virginity Myth

 Let’s break it down, shall we? An article I recently read claimed that some sects of modern Christianity idolize virginity. While that is a controversial claim, I’m not certain it’s so far from the truth. Christian girls who wait till they are married to have sex often say so as if they deserve a prize. There is a great sense of arrogance surrounding the claim. I’m not belittling purity, don’t misunderstand, but what’s the difference between you keeping yourself pure before marriage and me making it through the month without lying or an alcoholic making it four years without a drink? We have placed a certain value upon a sin (or abstinence from it) that God does not. Time and time again we are told from the pulpit that God does categorize sin into “little” and “big”. Sin is sin and it’s all the same in His eyes. That is what we hear…until the preaching on sex.

Personally, I remember being told that if I didn’t save myself for marriage, I would be like a box on the shelf at K-Mart that had already been opened and no one would ever want to buy. We were told to read books like “Stay in the Castle”, whose moral was that if you don’t stay pure and separated from the world, when your “prince” comes, he won’t be able to find you because you will be in the slums. If we commit other sins, we are told that we have “stumbled” or “fallen” into it, but not sexual sin. Once you commit this sin, you are told you have been contamintaed. I read this excerpt from Elizabeth Smart’s story where she said the following after being raped by her captors:

“I remember being told an illustration as a child that compared women who had pre- marital sex to chewing gum, and I thought ‘Oh my gosh! I’m that chewed up piece of gum. Nobody re-chews a piece of gum. You throw it away.’ And that’s how easy it is to feel like you no longer have worth, you no longer have value. Why would it even be worth screaming out? Why would it make a difference if you were rescued? Your life has no value.”

This brings me such pain to think that girls are taught to feel this way about themselves and their worth. Do you see the dangers of thinking your worth is tied to your virginity? God loves you not because of what you do or how you behave. He loves you because of who He is. That love isn’t something we earn or lose based on any sin, sexual or otherwise. We never did anything to earn it, so we will never be able to do anything to lose it. YOUR IDENTITY AND WORTH ARE NOT TIED TO YOUR VIRGINITY. In the spirit of disclaimers, I am also not promoting sexual promiscuity. Your sex education class can inform you of the risk associated with multiple sexual partners.

And by the way, any guy who would reject you because you are or aren’t a virgin? Dump the sucker. Who does he think he is?

 The Weaker Vessel Myth

This good ole myth is derived from I Peter 3:7, which in the King James Version says: “Likewise ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers be not hindered.” When most preachers (who happen to be male) read that verse, they focus on two words: “weaker vessel”. They then use those two words to tell us women that we are weak and need strong men (like themselves) to guide us and lead us and “keep us in subjection”. But if we read the whole verse, is it possible that those two words are taken out of context? For example, what if by “being heirs together” actually means men and women have separate but equal roles?

Men and women are different. If you were not certain of this before now, I just can’t help you. (But the above section may not apply to you…). Not only are we different physically, we are different in our thought processes, in our emotions, and the list goes on and on. The relationship between man and woman is supposed to be a complimentary one. God actually knew what he was doing when he made us so different. In a relationship where a woman is suppressed, kept down, or shamed into silence, the relationship is not what God intended. I like to think of it as two arms on a body, a left and right, if you will.

It will interest you to know that translated from the Greek, the term “weaker” is not a derogatory term, implying that women are weak. It actually is a form of the word “fine” or “delicate”. The word vessel is fairly literally translated. It does mean an actual “vessel”, such as a jar. So the phrase “weaker vessel” is used as a simile, comparing a woman to a fine glass or jar. It also bears noting that this verse does not say a woman IS a weaker vessel, it simply instructs men to treat her AS a weaker vessel. (To the men who consider women to be weak, I have one word: childbirth.) Basically, Paul is saying “Dude, you have something exquisite. Don’t break it. Show some respect, man. Don’t treat it like one of the guys.” (I would love to insert something here about girls who try to act like one of the guys, but that’s another blog for another day perhaps. Spoiler alert: they really aren’t like one of the guys.)

As for the "dwell with them according to knowledge" part, I can only assume that means to stear clear from all major appliances when anniversary shopping.


In conclusion, I would like to restate the fact that GIRL, YOU ARE FREE. Like the song says, you are free to be you. So breathe deeply in and out, and start asking God to show you the chains in your life and ask Him to smash them. Let God take that weight you bear from someone else’s sin. Question the things that unsettle you. Speak! Let God’s light and love cast out fear. I feel like ending with a Braveheart yell of “FREEDOOOM!!!” but a man said that  so I don’t know if that’s appropriate….